Saturday, 6 August 2011

Mr Right or Mr. Oh So Wrong

Our mission in life is to make ourselves attractive to the opposite sex. Make up, hair, designer clothes (well pennys if your bank balance is as sick as mine) and dare I mention the time it takes to transform into those Saturday night goddesses. But what happens the next day when we wake up with that empty feeling in our gut and kissing randomer's just doesn't cut it anymore? The facade is crumbling. Slowly but surely we realize that the morning after the night before we are infinitely alone and no amount of shots or sleezy, nightclub snogging is going to alter it! What do we do now? Do we continue to wander the planet searching for Mr Right only to stumble upon Mr Wrong over and over again and think "ah sure he'll do for the moment?". Why are we wasting our precious and limited time fumbling around this dating minefield where we just miss the next explosion unscathed by a hairs breath! Our confidence that we'll find Mr. Big shrinks with every dating disaster we so expertly endure. Many turn to online match making sites in the hope that Mr. Right will just happen to peer across the screen at them with a bank balance as big as his erm wallet... Most times they end up with some freak who continues to ask them to rub the lotion into their skin until they run for the hills thanking god they weren't crimelines next hot topic! Oh the disappointment that is the dating world. Those heart melting, tear jerking, but vomit enducing romantic comedies glamorize it leadig us into pure dating depression when we discover we've been lied to! Our potential handsome prince bares a striking resemblance to Hannibal Lecter. It seems that we must fall victim to some bizarre accident where Mr. Right will just happen across our path after we have suffered some rare form of amnesia. Hopefully after 20 first dates we will remember his name! Alternatively, We could swap houses with some random English lonely singleton so he can arrive at our door looking all handsome and confused by our presence at his best friends abode and looking distinctly like Jude Law!! I dont know about you but I refuse to go to such lengths to find a man! Think I'll just go watch a movie......

Friday, 11 March 2011

Oh put them in the bin will you?!!!!

mmmm chocolate, I especially love those blue roses that have the creamy, silky, sweet caramel in the middle. "Aha there we are theres one more left in box!" Or maybe not?!! Actually, now that i think about it, there seems to be a serious shortage of tastey blue and purple ones.In fact, theres loads of those rotten, sickly sweet pink and orange ones! What sort of sales trick is this? Do they get you addicted to the bleedin things, then make sure there are only a few of the decent ones so you have to go out and buy another box so you can get your fix? There is a strong possibility that I'm right! Think about it? You open your roses whilst watching the latest episode of desperate housewives only to find youve scoffed all your favorite sweets last night, so you pass them to your boyfriend with a sneaky smile on your face because you know he thinks your being generous when you've actually already digested all the best ones! However, when you count the wrappers to see how many of each type of sweet are in the box, you find that theres a noticeable difference between them. In fact half the box consists of the manky orange and pink ones!!! tut tut its completely unfair. I shall be writing a letter to Cadburys inquiring as to why they insist on getting me completely addicted, and then bombarding me with the awfully manky ones so I'm forced to leave my comfy warm couch to face the perilous gale force winds of my seaside hometown to reach my local centra and a shiny new box of roses (half filled with stawberry and orange tripe!!!). Life can be so unfair.......but its so,so worth it!!Now wheres my jacket.........

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

The Bedroom Woes

I had finally laid my head to rest after a hard day at the office. My body was weary and my mind was a mess of repetitive thoughts about random nothings I had to get done. I was in heaven (well the closest i could get to it on earth anyway). Let me explain, you see my bedroom is my sanctuary! Some people like their sitting room with their 52" plasma HD TV's, some their kitchen with its top of the range gas cooker, but for me it has to be my bedroom. It has unequivocally the most comfortable bed in the provence. But this is no random act of nature or fluke of the gods, It took me weeks of planning to get to its current decadence. Firstly, the mattress was bought and only the cream of the crop, or in this case, the most boyant of the lot was chosen. There is a fine art to choosing a mattress you know! A hell of a lot of careful consideration goes in to it. Oh and offcourse, theres a whole lot of lieing around in furniture stores on random mattresses feeling like a bit of a twat (just make sure you dont take a nap, now THAT would be embarassing!!). After careful analysis of mattress styles: extra firm, pocket sprung, memory foam, natural latex (and no, durex have not turned to mattress making...) I decided on mine, it was to be a silentnight, firm but not too firm, memory foam king size mattress. Secondly, I set out on recreating a hotel style bed that I had once stayed on in a fancy four star hotel in LA. My duvet had to be carefully selected too. Luckily for me, Harry Corry were having a sale and I managed to bag myself a bargain of a king size duvet for half the retail price. I figured I might as well go all out and get pillows too but that wasnt such a good idea. I woke up looking like that actress off the excorcist when she had been possessed by that demon and embarks on destroying her face. I thought I'd picked up some weird habit of scratching the face off myself in my sleep when actually it was the feathers in the duvet breaking through the cover to reak havoc on my poor unsuspecting, sleeping head! Now for the duvet covers. Yes I know, this is getting a bit extreme and downright expensive! Well 100% egyptian cotton is the only way to go its durable and so, so soft. A few silk multi colored pastel cushions thrown in to top it all off along with an electric blanket and my bed was finally complete. Basically, as beds go, mine rocks!! But back to me laying my head down to rest. I had finally got to my bed, had just turned on the electric blanket and picked up a book to read when I smelled something. Something that smelt distinctly like, sniff, yes i think so, sniff, no definitely, it smelt like cod liver oil!!!! My senses recoiled in horror at the prospect of having actual cod liver oil on my bed! I was repulsed to the point of jumping up and tearing the sheets off the bed to find the source of the stench. Underneath the mattress topper lay two yellow soft gel tablets. One of which looked like it had been flattened by a roller (more likely my ass) and the contents of which had oozed out to form a large copper circle the size of a basketball! I again recoiled in disgust and with absolute confusion as to how the hell they got there in the first place?! I dont even take cod liver oil tablets. A stream of ideas entered my head 'had someone planted them there to sabotage was amazingly comfortable bed?' ah who'd bother I thought to myself ' how about if they fell out of someones bag?' but how would they end up under the mattress topper?. I couldnt fathom how they'd got there in the first place. To this day I have never figured out who has sabotaged my beautiful bed and suppose I never will!!