Wednesday, 7 April 2010

A Recessionary Nursery Rhyme

Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, Yes sir three bags full! One for the Taoiseach and two for Mr. Ahern and none for the little boy who has no home!!!!!!!!!!Thanks, you absolute wan*ers!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 26 March 2010

They just dont make men like they used too!

It seems its about as hard to get a decent man these days as it is to find a job!They just don't make them like they use too!They all seem to have left with the Celtic tiger. Oh we hear that they're out there all right! but where? How do we meet them? Is there some secret formula that were unaware of? We know their out there waiting for us, we read over the enticing job specification analyzing what exactly we think they're looking for. But alas we don't meet the requirements! Bitterly disappointed we move on and do it all again. I know, i know "if at first we don't succeed try and try again" and all that but how many times is enough. At what point do you say "ok thats it I'm becoming a hermit in some cave off Iceland?". If we could harness the energy wasted swooning over that perfect guy or job we could power the 02! So contemplate this for a moment, maybe our expectations are too high? How can they ever be met if they're too unrealistic in the first place? Know-one and nothing is perfect and never will be. We certainly aren't either!So think what I'm trying to say is "while you want that job spec to match your expectations when it comes to men, make sure your expectations match reality!".

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Savvy Saving Tips

1.Ladies next time you experience that magnetic pull towards some fabulously over priced shoes, remember the other 24 pairs you have waiting at home in the crevices of your wardrobe gathering dust! We Females spend the most money on shoes and bags. I'm probably going to get a serious amount of abuse for writing this but you know I'm right!!

2.Buy in bulk when it comes to things like pasta, rice, even bread because you can buy a full pan and freeze the other half. Also vegetable’s etc. One tip is to buy carrots, mushrooms and whatever else you want. Chop them up for stir fry's. You can then put them in freezer bags for later use (in the freezer obviously, bit self explanatory really!). Also buy chicken fillets in family packs, separate them as needed and freeze them.

3. Bring your own lunch to work. If your making dinner the night before simply make a bit extra. Bring it with you to work or freeze it for next time. In the long run it will be much healthier, cheaper and most likely lower in fat than anything you’d be able to buy.

4. You may have noticed that most stores have sales every 3 months so try and wait till then to go shopping. I know its a struggle but all good things come to those who wait.

5. If you see necessities (shampoos, shower gel) on sale buy them even if you don't need them yet bc you will need them soon enough (within reason off-course because you don’t need fifteen bottles of shampoo unless your Worzel Gummidge that is).

6. Taxis - try and haggle with them before you get in if possible. You can go to a few different taxis and ask them to bring you home for a set price. I have spent many a moment haggling with some poor taxi driver only to find myself at home 20 mins later for nearly half the price. If you think about it, its better to have a fair than no fair!!

7. Petrol - if you see it at a bargain price fill the tank rather than just putting in a score as you will save a lot in the long run.

9. Alcohol - Dont buy drinks in nite clubs if you can help it as they charge you 40% extra and you are, most likely if your like me, already drunk by that point. If you really want something to hold, get a glass of water with a slice of lemon and no-one will ever know the difference!

10. Turn off lights when you leave the room as it all adds up. You'd be suprised how much you save on your bill every month by doing this! Also consider changing your tariff with ESB as you might be on the wrong one.
11. If you see something you really like in a shop, wait have a look in other shops such as new look and AWear who make it their business to copy the designers. You'll probably find something nearly the same for half the price!

12. Lattes, coffees, 7 ups all add up so if your out and about try to cut down on these because over a week you could spend nearly 40 euro! A month €160 and a year you could be spending up to €2000!! You’d save on teeth whitening too!

13. Cigarettes - Get them abroad and hide them so you dnt smoke them all. Oh and dont give them to ann marie ;) lol

14. If your really broke and want to go out have the girls over, drink in your house and then go to the nightclub! You’'l be able to hear yourself much better than in a crowded pub plus no drunken men falling all over ya!

15. Buy books in second hand shops. You only read them once anyway.

16. Buy your x-mas cards, wrapping paper and other Christmas paraphernalia in the January sales for next year, you’ll save a fortune and might get some really nice stuff that you wouldn't have been able to afford before and for an amazing price!!

17. Now this is a good one! If you see something your mad about, try it on, see if it’s cheaper online and order it from there. You could save a substantial amount!A lot of websites have free delivery and returns.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Make mine a double

So the weekend has rolled around again and its time to take out the glad rags or ubber expensive designer clobber! It seems like we expect quite alot from our poor little weekend?! It is after all only two days. As a nation we seem to expect a hell of a lot to happen in such a short time period. For example, take a lonely gal working in a dingey little shop in some back arse of nowhere rural town. She sits all week staring out of the window at people passing by wishing her week away in hopes of an amazingly life changing and interesting weekend!! Friday rolls around and she leaps from her chair, grabs her jacket and legs it out the door contemplating how long it will take to put on her fake tan. On arrival home, she prepares her outfit whilst simultaneously co-ordinating her eye-make up and hair accessories(women are great multi-taskers after all!). Into the cold night she goes with a final flick of her hair. Its down the local again! The scene greeting her is less than inspiring. All the under-kempt and underage boys of the town seem to have decided that this pub was the place to be tonight!!Her feelings of dejection and disappointment are almost palpable. This is what has kept her going all week, when the ratty old customers ranted on about her heavy garish make up and the "lack of decent teabags these days! ya just cant get them like ya used too...". As she sink into her chair she sees him standing by the bar. Tall dark and absolutely gorgeous this is what shes been waiting for. Finally, she musters up the courage to talk to him (after 3 yager bombs and two tequila shots). Unfortunately, at this stage she is so drunk she's forgot how to speak English! she gives it her all but he is less then impressed and swiftly departs. Oh dear shes done it again. This seems to be a repeat of last weekend, and the weekend before that, and come to think of it the weekend before that!!! Dejected she heads home to awake to a sore head and empty wallet! A lot of you may relate to this story. We have all been this lonely girl/guy at some point or another.We may feel a little lost when we wake up realizing that its the last day of the weekend and we are still on our own, none the wiser as to who our prince or princess maybe. We have two options we can either give up, accept our lonely existence and acquire a few dozen cats! Alternatively, we can pick ourselves up, go out and meet our mates and forget about the opposite sex because at the end of the day its only a weekend and we'll probably meet Mr. Right on a Tuesday or some other run of the mill day of the week in the supermarket dairy isle. If we treat our weekends for what they really are (just two more days in the week just like Monday and Tuesday) then maybe we'd be a lot better off, and a little less disappointed.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

What a load of bahumbug!!

Who really has the time or inclination to sit around detangling Christmas lights? I would gladly pay someone a small fortune to take this odious task off my hands. In fact if there is anyone out there who would like to volunteer for the job then please let me know, because I'm willing to pay top banana to whoever the poor bastard is!! Iv been sitting here for what seems like a life time trying to unravel my once new, but now very decrepit looking Christmas tree lights. I'm no better off nearly a half hour in to the task, have a stress headache and they still look like multicolored, neon spaghetti. It really does make you wonder about all the time we spend putting up decorations, cooking mince pies (or buying if your lazy like me), and preparing the Christmas turkey? Is it really worth all that hassle when all your left with at the end of it is a sink full of dirty dishes and a sorry looking tanglement of fairy lights? Ooh i know don't be a scrooge you say? But really have a think about the whole build up to Christmas. The constant unrelenting Christmas jingles, writing cards to practical strangers and that mad last minute shopping spree that you swore last year you wouldn't ever do again for those last few forgotten gifts! Off-course we cant forget about re-mortgaging the house to pay for all those expensive presents. When the day does arrive it comes and goes quicker than an orgasm leaving us dazed, confused and very fucking broke while we wonder was that it?

How I wish I was a kid again. Back then my only responsibility was to watch the milk and cookies until Santa got his fat ass down the chimney with my latest, must have, piece of shit Barbie doll.I hadn't a care in the world! After ripping my gifts asunder I'd run of with my brothers toys because they were way cooler than my Barbie and my boring little pony. I'd plonk my ass in front of the TV for the afternoon ,with my second selection box of the day, until my diligent mother served me dinner. Wow, in retrospect, we really did have the life of bleedin Reilly! Now I'm sitting here swearing at plastic x-mas tree bobbles which I'm seriously considering flinging in the bin. However, there is another side to Christmas that i cant deny. It's that magic feeling we get this time of year when the hyperactive child in all of us is awakened! We start lobbing snowballs at each other and stuffing our gobs with endless amounts of mince pies despite their amazing ability to shrink our waistbands! All our worries seem minimized by the festive feel that everything exudes, even the toilet seems more cheerful! So maybe all that preparation and thoughtfulness was worth it after all. Especially, when we see the kiddies little faces light up like halogen lamps when they see what Santa brought them. However, I cant stay too bahumbug about Christmas for too long despite my pessimistic ramblings. After-all, It does only come once a year and i can chuck these sorry looking fairy lights in the bin with a view of buying more next year when the Yuletide juices are once again flowing! Whilst I'm sitting here contemplating all this I catch a glimpse of a half empty box of mince pies and smile to myself conspirately sure whats the harm in one more?!!

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Why Don't You Try On My Size 13's For A Bit

Put yourself in a mans shoes: Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you are in fact a man. You look down and see your big hands, strong arms and big...erm well ladies you know what I'm getting at here now don't you? You have no doubts about your attractiveness or that the majority of women wear their hearts on their sleeves thus contacting you first, desperate for a date. So what do you do? It's quite simple really, you decide to take your sweet time replying, phoning or basically at any form of contact with them because in this way, you are in control. The desired result is as expected – They are begging for more, texting you, phoning and basically using any method of communication available to let you know they are yours. When they do text, you look at your watch and decide to reply after the football, gym or maybe not even at all. Then if your really cruel you text them in a few days when you feel like flirting because frankly your too busy today and couldn't be bothered to pick up your phone (oh so heavy right now!)to text back no matter how into them you really are! So the women keep texting and calling whilst you keep screening their texts, emails, facebook messages and/or missed phone-calls. When you finally do bother your ass to write back you don't have to wait long (oh around 40 secs) for a reply. You find this far too easy and boring! Following this you decide to move on and find a woman who has enough self respect and balls to play the game as is should be played! With a whole lot of of patience, cynicism, and downright cruelty. You might think I'm being a bit far fetched or pessimistic about the opposite sex but thats just your denial over-ruling your common sense. Off-course, there are always exceptions to the rule. Some men will in fact text or ring back accepting your cry for a date but lets be honest with ourselves here, how long do you stay interested for? A week, two maybe even a month if their lucky? I can bet that you get bored very quickly whilst your eyes and lips start to look for greener or more handsome pastures. So the point of all this is that to have a chance in hell of getting anywhere we must first realize that men are just as dispensable to us as we are too them. Hopefully we can avoid making the mistakes that cause them to go riding off into the sunset with some other woman who is just playing the game with some tact and a whole lot of tact!

Never text or make any sort of contact first: Ok, so here it is in a nutshell, when you text a man first you are translating to him that you are “Needy”. You are needing of his time, attention and acceptance! To a man it's all about the thrill of the hunt. They want to chase after you and be under no illusion's yes, it is, simply a game to them! Remember back in the stone age when they ran around in their loin-clothes hunting for that poor defenseless deer? Well they are still wearing those but they have been replaced by calvin klein boxers (if he has taste that is), they are still hunting for their prey aka us. We disrupt the man chases woman equilibrium when we text, ring, or do anything to contact them first resulting in their infinite boredom and an empty message inbox. I'm sure you have all experienced this at one time or another? So i ask you to take a moment and reflect on the preceding events to this unfortunate slap in the face! Did you text him first? or everyday? Or did you commit the immortal dating sin and ask him out on a date first?

Never reply too soon: Mr. Right or wrong has finally texted you. You compose yourself because if your like 99% of the female population you've been screaming so loud your house-mate thinks you've had some sort of freak kitchen accident. But what do you do now? Do you quickly write something witty and simple because your afraid he'll get bored? No, unless you want him to lose interest quicker than diarrhea that is! Instead take your time to read over what you have written. Imagine him reading your text. Try and make them suggestive like “so if your buying me a drink, ill buy you desert!” ok, ok so your thinking thats a bit slutty? But it is only a bit of fun and you don't really have to em well provide desert so to speak or do anything you don't want to. Its all a game and you are just trying to keep him interested long enough to get to know you.