Saturday, 6 August 2011

Mr Right or Mr. Oh So Wrong

Our mission in life is to make ourselves attractive to the opposite sex. Make up, hair, designer clothes (well pennys if your bank balance is as sick as mine) and dare I mention the time it takes to transform into those Saturday night goddesses. But what happens the next day when we wake up with that empty feeling in our gut and kissing randomer's just doesn't cut it anymore? The facade is crumbling. Slowly but surely we realize that the morning after the night before we are infinitely alone and no amount of shots or sleezy, nightclub snogging is going to alter it! What do we do now? Do we continue to wander the planet searching for Mr Right only to stumble upon Mr Wrong over and over again and think "ah sure he'll do for the moment?". Why are we wasting our precious and limited time fumbling around this dating minefield where we just miss the next explosion unscathed by a hairs breath! Our confidence that we'll find Mr. Big shrinks with every dating disaster we so expertly endure. Many turn to online match making sites in the hope that Mr. Right will just happen to peer across the screen at them with a bank balance as big as his erm wallet... Most times they end up with some freak who continues to ask them to rub the lotion into their skin until they run for the hills thanking god they weren't crimelines next hot topic! Oh the disappointment that is the dating world. Those heart melting, tear jerking, but vomit enducing romantic comedies glamorize it leadig us into pure dating depression when we discover we've been lied to! Our potential handsome prince bares a striking resemblance to Hannibal Lecter. It seems that we must fall victim to some bizarre accident where Mr. Right will just happen across our path after we have suffered some rare form of amnesia. Hopefully after 20 first dates we will remember his name! Alternatively, We could swap houses with some random English lonely singleton so he can arrive at our door looking all handsome and confused by our presence at his best friends abode and looking distinctly like Jude Law!! I dont know about you but I refuse to go to such lengths to find a man! Think I'll just go watch a movie......

Friday, 11 March 2011

Oh put them in the bin will you?!!!!

mmmm chocolate, I especially love those blue roses that have the creamy, silky, sweet caramel in the middle. "Aha there we are theres one more left in box!" Or maybe not?!! Actually, now that i think about it, there seems to be a serious shortage of tastey blue and purple ones.In fact, theres loads of those rotten, sickly sweet pink and orange ones! What sort of sales trick is this? Do they get you addicted to the bleedin things, then make sure there are only a few of the decent ones so you have to go out and buy another box so you can get your fix? There is a strong possibility that I'm right! Think about it? You open your roses whilst watching the latest episode of desperate housewives only to find youve scoffed all your favorite sweets last night, so you pass them to your boyfriend with a sneaky smile on your face because you know he thinks your being generous when you've actually already digested all the best ones! However, when you count the wrappers to see how many of each type of sweet are in the box, you find that theres a noticeable difference between them. In fact half the box consists of the manky orange and pink ones!!! tut tut its completely unfair. I shall be writing a letter to Cadburys inquiring as to why they insist on getting me completely addicted, and then bombarding me with the awfully manky ones so I'm forced to leave my comfy warm couch to face the perilous gale force winds of my seaside hometown to reach my local centra and a shiny new box of roses (half filled with stawberry and orange tripe!!!). Life can be so unfair.......but its so,so worth it!!Now wheres my jacket.........

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

The Bedroom Woes

I had finally laid my head to rest after a hard day at the office. My body was weary and my mind was a mess of repetitive thoughts about random nothings I had to get done. I was in heaven (well the closest i could get to it on earth anyway). Let me explain, you see my bedroom is my sanctuary! Some people like their sitting room with their 52" plasma HD TV's, some their kitchen with its top of the range gas cooker, but for me it has to be my bedroom. It has unequivocally the most comfortable bed in the provence. But this is no random act of nature or fluke of the gods, It took me weeks of planning to get to its current decadence. Firstly, the mattress was bought and only the cream of the crop, or in this case, the most boyant of the lot was chosen. There is a fine art to choosing a mattress you know! A hell of a lot of careful consideration goes in to it. Oh and offcourse, theres a whole lot of lieing around in furniture stores on random mattresses feeling like a bit of a twat (just make sure you dont take a nap, now THAT would be embarassing!!). After careful analysis of mattress styles: extra firm, pocket sprung, memory foam, natural latex (and no, durex have not turned to mattress making...) I decided on mine, it was to be a silentnight, firm but not too firm, memory foam king size mattress. Secondly, I set out on recreating a hotel style bed that I had once stayed on in a fancy four star hotel in LA. My duvet had to be carefully selected too. Luckily for me, Harry Corry were having a sale and I managed to bag myself a bargain of a king size duvet for half the retail price. I figured I might as well go all out and get pillows too but that wasnt such a good idea. I woke up looking like that actress off the excorcist when she had been possessed by that demon and embarks on destroying her face. I thought I'd picked up some weird habit of scratching the face off myself in my sleep when actually it was the feathers in the duvet breaking through the cover to reak havoc on my poor unsuspecting, sleeping head! Now for the duvet covers. Yes I know, this is getting a bit extreme and downright expensive! Well 100% egyptian cotton is the only way to go its durable and so, so soft. A few silk multi colored pastel cushions thrown in to top it all off along with an electric blanket and my bed was finally complete. Basically, as beds go, mine rocks!! But back to me laying my head down to rest. I had finally got to my bed, had just turned on the electric blanket and picked up a book to read when I smelled something. Something that smelt distinctly like, sniff, yes i think so, sniff, no definitely, it smelt like cod liver oil!!!! My senses recoiled in horror at the prospect of having actual cod liver oil on my bed! I was repulsed to the point of jumping up and tearing the sheets off the bed to find the source of the stench. Underneath the mattress topper lay two yellow soft gel tablets. One of which looked like it had been flattened by a roller (more likely my ass) and the contents of which had oozed out to form a large copper circle the size of a basketball! I again recoiled in disgust and with absolute confusion as to how the hell they got there in the first place?! I dont even take cod liver oil tablets. A stream of ideas entered my head 'had someone planted them there to sabotage was amazingly comfortable bed?' ah who'd bother I thought to myself ' how about if they fell out of someones bag?' but how would they end up under the mattress topper?. I couldnt fathom how they'd got there in the first place. To this day I have never figured out who has sabotaged my beautiful bed and suppose I never will!!

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

A Recessionary Nursery Rhyme

Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, Yes sir three bags full! One for the Taoiseach and two for Mr. Ahern and none for the little boy who has no home!!!!!!!!!!Thanks, you absolute wan*ers!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 26 March 2010

They just dont make men like they used too!

It seems its about as hard to get a decent man these days as it is to find a job!They just don't make them like they use too!They all seem to have left with the Celtic tiger. Oh we hear that they're out there all right! but where? How do we meet them? Is there some secret formula that were unaware of? We know their out there waiting for us, we read over the enticing job specification analyzing what exactly we think they're looking for. But alas we don't meet the requirements! Bitterly disappointed we move on and do it all again. I know, i know "if at first we don't succeed try and try again" and all that but how many times is enough. At what point do you say "ok thats it I'm becoming a hermit in some cave off Iceland?". If we could harness the energy wasted swooning over that perfect guy or job we could power the 02! So contemplate this for a moment, maybe our expectations are too high? How can they ever be met if they're too unrealistic in the first place? Know-one and nothing is perfect and never will be. We certainly aren't either!So think what I'm trying to say is "while you want that job spec to match your expectations when it comes to men, make sure your expectations match reality!".

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Savvy Saving Tips

1.Ladies next time you experience that magnetic pull towards some fabulously over priced shoes, remember the other 24 pairs you have waiting at home in the crevices of your wardrobe gathering dust! We Females spend the most money on shoes and bags. I'm probably going to get a serious amount of abuse for writing this but you know I'm right!!

2.Buy in bulk when it comes to things like pasta, rice, even bread because you can buy a full pan and freeze the other half. Also vegetable’s etc. One tip is to buy carrots, mushrooms and whatever else you want. Chop them up for stir fry's. You can then put them in freezer bags for later use (in the freezer obviously, bit self explanatory really!). Also buy chicken fillets in family packs, separate them as needed and freeze them.

3. Bring your own lunch to work. If your making dinner the night before simply make a bit extra. Bring it with you to work or freeze it for next time. In the long run it will be much healthier, cheaper and most likely lower in fat than anything you’d be able to buy.

4. You may have noticed that most stores have sales every 3 months so try and wait till then to go shopping. I know its a struggle but all good things come to those who wait.

5. If you see necessities (shampoos, shower gel) on sale buy them even if you don't need them yet bc you will need them soon enough (within reason off-course because you don’t need fifteen bottles of shampoo unless your Worzel Gummidge that is).

6. Taxis - try and haggle with them before you get in if possible. You can go to a few different taxis and ask them to bring you home for a set price. I have spent many a moment haggling with some poor taxi driver only to find myself at home 20 mins later for nearly half the price. If you think about it, its better to have a fair than no fair!!

7. Petrol - if you see it at a bargain price fill the tank rather than just putting in a score as you will save a lot in the long run.

9. Alcohol - Dont buy drinks in nite clubs if you can help it as they charge you 40% extra and you are, most likely if your like me, already drunk by that point. If you really want something to hold, get a glass of water with a slice of lemon and no-one will ever know the difference!

10. Turn off lights when you leave the room as it all adds up. You'd be suprised how much you save on your bill every month by doing this! Also consider changing your tariff with ESB as you might be on the wrong one.
11. If you see something you really like in a shop, wait have a look in other shops such as new look and AWear who make it their business to copy the designers. You'll probably find something nearly the same for half the price!

12. Lattes, coffees, 7 ups all add up so if your out and about try to cut down on these because over a week you could spend nearly 40 euro! A month €160 and a year you could be spending up to €2000!! You’d save on teeth whitening too!

13. Cigarettes - Get them abroad and hide them so you dnt smoke them all. Oh and dont give them to ann marie ;) lol

14. If your really broke and want to go out have the girls over, drink in your house and then go to the nightclub! You’'l be able to hear yourself much better than in a crowded pub plus no drunken men falling all over ya!

15. Buy books in second hand shops. You only read them once anyway.

16. Buy your x-mas cards, wrapping paper and other Christmas paraphernalia in the January sales for next year, you’ll save a fortune and might get some really nice stuff that you wouldn't have been able to afford before and for an amazing price!!

17. Now this is a good one! If you see something your mad about, try it on, see if it’s cheaper online and order it from there. You could save a substantial amount!A lot of websites have free delivery and returns.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Make mine a double

So the weekend has rolled around again and its time to take out the glad rags or ubber expensive designer clobber! It seems like we expect quite alot from our poor little weekend?! It is after all only two days. As a nation we seem to expect a hell of a lot to happen in such a short time period. For example, take a lonely gal working in a dingey little shop in some back arse of nowhere rural town. She sits all week staring out of the window at people passing by wishing her week away in hopes of an amazingly life changing and interesting weekend!! Friday rolls around and she leaps from her chair, grabs her jacket and legs it out the door contemplating how long it will take to put on her fake tan. On arrival home, she prepares her outfit whilst simultaneously co-ordinating her eye-make up and hair accessories(women are great multi-taskers after all!). Into the cold night she goes with a final flick of her hair. Its down the local again! The scene greeting her is less than inspiring. All the under-kempt and underage boys of the town seem to have decided that this pub was the place to be tonight!!Her feelings of dejection and disappointment are almost palpable. This is what has kept her going all week, when the ratty old customers ranted on about her heavy garish make up and the "lack of decent teabags these days! ya just cant get them like ya used too...". As she sink into her chair she sees him standing by the bar. Tall dark and absolutely gorgeous this is what shes been waiting for. Finally, she musters up the courage to talk to him (after 3 yager bombs and two tequila shots). Unfortunately, at this stage she is so drunk she's forgot how to speak English! she gives it her all but he is less then impressed and swiftly departs. Oh dear shes done it again. This seems to be a repeat of last weekend, and the weekend before that, and come to think of it the weekend before that!!! Dejected she heads home to awake to a sore head and empty wallet! A lot of you may relate to this story. We have all been this lonely girl/guy at some point or another.We may feel a little lost when we wake up realizing that its the last day of the weekend and we are still on our own, none the wiser as to who our prince or princess maybe. We have two options we can either give up, accept our lonely existence and acquire a few dozen cats! Alternatively, we can pick ourselves up, go out and meet our mates and forget about the opposite sex because at the end of the day its only a weekend and we'll probably meet Mr. Right on a Tuesday or some other run of the mill day of the week in the supermarket dairy isle. If we treat our weekends for what they really are (just two more days in the week just like Monday and Tuesday) then maybe we'd be a lot better off, and a little less disappointed.